Minority Attack

[Author unknown to me]

Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#L18.22> clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord ( Lev 1:9 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#L1.9> ). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#E21.7> . In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness ( Lev 15:19-24 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#L15.19-24> ). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d) Lev. 25:44 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#L25.44> states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#E35.2> clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination ( Lev 11:10 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#L11.10> ), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev 21:20 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#L21.20> states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#L19.27> . How should they die?
i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#L11.6-8> that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#L19.19> by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? ( Lev 24:10-16 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#L24.10-16> ) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? ( Lev. 20:14 <www-users.york.ac.uk/~ss44/joke/laura.htm#L20.14> )
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.